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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 29, 2013 9:00am-9:31am PDT

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we've got one for you tonight, my friends. this is going to be a good one, my guest tonight, my best friend in the entire world. ( laughter ) bill o'reilly. even though people from the netherlands don't understand our love, they don't understand us.
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( cheers and applause ). i'm from switzerland. how can you be neutral about him? ( laughter ) yesterday, busy day on capitol hill. starting with the senate finance committee grilling of former i.r.s. commissioner schulman and miller about alleged targeting of groups applying for 501(c)4 status. >> i regret that happened on my watch. >> jon: that was in stark contrast to that man's previous appearance before congress. >> yes, i can give you assurances there's absolute no targeting. >targeting. >> jon: and of course by "no" i mean lots. you know, it's like when kids say something's bad but they really mean it's good. and when they say something's phat-- which i really don't know actually what that means, but anyway. at this hearing, we would finally get the details of how
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these groups were targeted and who was responsible. i want a full accounting. >> i was unaware, i believe, at the time, that it had happened. >> when someone spotted it, they should have run up the chain, and they didn't. >> i don't know anything about that. >> i didn't know at that time. >> i am not aware of that. >> don't know. >> i don't know. >> i have no memory of anyone doing that. i did not know that. i'm not personally responsible. >> jon: i-- i show up to work drunk. i don't know how to read. i'm only here because i won a radio contest. ( laughter ) does anyone here know what the hell happened? >> my name is lois lerner, and i'm the director of the exempt organizations at the internal revenue service. >> jon: booyah. ( laughter ) beautiful you, were in charge of the division overcease these 501(c)4 applications so what do you have to say? what happened? >> i have not done anything wrong. i have not broken any laws.
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>> jon: who said anything about breaking laws. ( laughter ) we were just-- no one's accusing you. we just want to know what happened. >> i've decided to follow my counsel's advice and not testify or answer any of the questions today. >> her name is lois lerner. she announces that she's invoking her fifth amendment right. >> jon: her fifth amendment right! oh, my god. she's going to start quartering soldiers in her home without permission. hold on a second... she's going to-- oh, she's giving her slaves back. that's not right! she's repealing prohibition? she's-- no, wait. she's invoking the right to not incriminate herself. so nothing from her. fine. we don't need you. the house ways and means committee sent the i.r.s. a letter demanding all its scandal-related paperwork by may 21, and today is may 20-- more
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than that. so right now, they're probably going through those papers and then-- i'm sorry what's that? they didn't send it? the i.r.s. didn't send it in? so the i.r.s. missed their filing deadline. is that what we're hearing? ( cheers and applause ) but of course, that wasn't the only i.r.s.-related hearing on the hill. >> apples chief tim cook facing some outraged senators. >> jon: finally, some accountability for apple maps. i mean, come on! ( cheers and applause ) maybe some prison time-- maybe some prison time will make those guys think twice about directing me to a chipotle in the middle of the hudson river. ( laughter ) actually, apple c.e.o. tim cook was called in to face the wrath of senators wondering how apple had avoided paying taxes on $44 billion in income in the last four years, in part by stashing
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over $100 billion in nearly tax-free offshore subsidiaries. >> i'm very proud of apple. >> we love the iphone and the ipads. i got one right here. >> you've mced to change the world, which is an incredible legend. >> i harassed my husband until he converted to a mac book. >> your products are great. >> my granddaughter even knows how to use it. >> i love apple. i love apple. >> jon: i-- i want to i-( bleep ) you. who are those people? what the hell was that? what is the opposite of a genius bar? ( laughter ) apparently, there is nothing apple can do to get as mad at them. they're dodging taxes we can find out they're using kitten hearts to power iphones. and we'd be like, "well, if it
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doubles battery life, i'll take two." in fact, the hearing was less "we're angry at you for breaking curfew" and more like, "what time do you think you should get home?" >> if you were in our position, how important do you think it is that we change the tax code? >> what keeps another country in one of these emerging markets from undercutting us? >> what rate do you think we have to be at if you want to be competitive? >> do you think you should be able to deduct the interest. >> jon: how about? how about we pay you for the inconvenience of keeping your money overseas. the upkeep must be unbelievable, like having a pony. ( laughter ) not that apple c.e.o. tim cook wasn't happy to offer suggestions. >> apple has always believed in the simple, not the complex. it is in this spirit that we recommend a dramatic simplification of the corporate tax code.
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>> jon: i give you the tax code nano. ( laughter ) so, what would the nanoentail? >> eliminate all corporate tax expenditures, lower corporate income tax rates. and implement a reasonable tax on foreign earnings that allows the free flow of capital back to the united states. >> jon: wow. all that simplification in closing of loopholes would be great. until, of course, oil companies lobby to make sure the r & d exploration tax credits stay in place. and agramakes sure equipment depreciation stays in there because that's the rub of this entire exercise. corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. those offshore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people. ( cheers and applause ). our tax code is purposefully-- our tax code is purposefully complex so that corporations
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with resources are the only ones who can find the buried goodies their own lobbyists have hidden in the labyrinth. and i know what you're thinking-- but this is apple. they believe inicism plift. ( laughter ) they wouldn't use complexity, just when it suits their own business needs. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you'd agree with that, right? do you agree? just ( bleep ) hit agree. we'll be right back. 
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( cheers and applause ). >> jon: as you know, the obama administration spent the last couple of weeks crotch deep in the scandal swamp, as my grandpappy used to say. while we've had our fun, i've noticed a few folks at the party who i'm not sure should have been invited which brings us to our recurring segment, "let's all pile on the president-- not so fast you." one critic of the president in particular has been deeply paind by the administration's misdeeds. >> all three of these scandals make a cluster that implies some very bad things. this is so broad, this i.r.s.
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thing. it's something i've never seen in my lifetime. ( laughter ) >> jon: hello, noonan. ( laughter ) ( applause ) look at peggy noonan. peggy noonan, she's more upset than your mom when she caught you jerking off with one hand and smoking a joint with the other hand. ( laughter ) your masturbating is just so... disappointing. ( laughter ) now think hard, peggy noonan. never in your lifetime have you seen a scandal this bad? what if a president secretly sold weapons to iran in return for american hostages and then used the proceeds to illegally fund a bun of coked up, right qing jungle rapists in nicaragua? ring a bell? here's a hintue worked in his white house as a high-profile speechwriter.
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i mean, what was the iran-cont iran-contra-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) what was the iran-contra scand scandal-- what was the iran-contra scandal it not a scandal. >> heck, ronald reagan wanted to help those hostages, but it spun out of control and reagan by the end was surprised at some of the things that had happened. he had bad luck in iran-contra. the rawa iran-contra was unluck. >> jon: reagan was just in the wrong place at the wrong time-- specifically, the white house during his own administration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this iran-contra wasn't a-- it wasn't a scandal. >> it was a mistake. it was not a disaster, but it was a mistake. >> jon: mistake, like writing the wrong date on a check or writing the wrong address on a box marked "weapons." ( laughter ) so how about obama? is he off the hook then for his mistake? >> ultimately, these are
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executive agencies which are proving so deeply problematic. is he president or not? >> jon: it doesn't matter if obama knew with the wrongdoing or if it was the people around him. hhe is the president. the buck stops with him. what about reagan, as she wrote in, "when character was king," the people around him simply failed and hurt their president. the only thing he was guilty of was trusting too much. ( laughter ) and selling embargoed arms to iran for the release of hostages and funneling the money to coked out jungle rapists in nicaragua? why is it so different for reagan? what makes him so special? >> imagine a man nobody hates. ( laughter ) >> jon: a man nobody hates. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: oh, you meant-- oh, you meant reagan, okay. are you sure? >> reagan, whom i adored. he was to popular politics what henry james was to american literature. he was the master. he was probably the sweetest, most innocent man ever to serve in the oval office. he was never dark, never mean, this sunny man touched so many americans. ego ties us all in knots, but not him. no, great men are good men said lord acton, who was right until reagan. ( laughter ) glp that i>> jon: here's the du can't get so upset about obama if you have written the book "50 shades of graggan." we'll be right 
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secondhand smoke affects everyone's health.
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it's not just irritating. it can cause heart disease and even death. speak up about secondhand smoke. your health and the health of your family depend on it. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight the host-of-the-fox news channel's "the o'reilly factor." his new book is called "keep it pithy: useful observations in a tough world." please welcome back to the program, bill o'reilly. ( applause ) i think i'm right about that. what's up, man? >> you know, just the usual. fox news correspondents getting arrested. they're looting the building over there. >> jon: finally, you are recognized as the enemy of the
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state you have always been. >> that's right. >> jon: i hesitate to say this, but, boy, is that a troubling scandal. i don't know exactly what this is, but it appears that the department of justice is really over-reaching with journalists. and that is upsetting. >> james rose sewn his way to guantanamo now. >> jon: do you have to pay for the jumpsuit? >> i do. >> jon: it is your fifth book this month. i swear to god-- >> they're all on the bestseller list. >> jon: i feel like stephen king looks at you and goes, "slow down, buddy." >> they just come out. this is a compilation of all the wisdom that has come out of the "factor." set you up for that. >> jon: is that all all the wisdom? ( cheers and applause ) how is it going over there? so, so, for 55 years.
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>> yeah. >> jon: you're always on red alert. the president say socialist. he is destroying the country. you're throwing everything against the wall, trying to-- muslims and things. the muslim brotherhood. you finally have a few things that really look worth investigating. >> right. >> jon: is it-- is it joy? is it sexual arousal? like-- what is-- what is the feeling over there? >> look-- i have been too easy on the man, and now i'm it's real people don't like him. "i told you!" they're giving that to me. >> jon: i know. >> and this is serious business because it looks like the president just simply doesn't know what's going on within his nrgz. >> jon: don't you think they're trying to make a place for plausible deniability. >> of course. and i said that today. that's not only in politics but in corporations as well. keep it away from him, this and that. but the president sets a tone. like you set a tone for this
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program. >> jon: i appreciate that. that's very kind of you. ( cheers and applause ). what is it-- the one-- the i.r.s. one, do you feel like conservatives were clearly singled out, based on their political believes? >> no. it was-- it's what they ate for dinner. come on, of course they did. tea party does very well in the midterms, right? do the math. tea party is getting momentum. they do very well. the president loses the house. bum-bum-bum. so all of a sudden his guys start to say we have to take care of the tea party. what's the best way to take care of them? scare them a little bit. and then it takes on a life of its own. this is speculation but it's educated speculation, because this is what i think happened. >> you're pulling it out of your butt. oh, i'm sorry, lenny. >> jon: the hand motion is
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lower but it's fine. so the feel over there, that this-- >> over where? >> jon: where you work? >> where i work. say the word. >> jon: uhthe-- >> say it. wherwhere do i work? >> jon: what is the shah's secret police organization? what is that? so you're over there. >> i'm over there in hell. >> jon: in hell, right. i'll say the organization, soron. and-- so there's the sense they have been singled out purely because of their political beliefs. to be profiled like that. >> right. >> jon: it must be very upset. >> well, we set bonfires and homes light up. >> jon: just to be lumped in with people based solely on one factor, is unfair, i guess is what i'm saying. it's unfair. >> yeah. >> jon: it would be like-- let's say somebody committed an act of terror, and we took their whole religion. >> right.
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>> jon: and we lumped them all in for special singling out. >> that's a very interesting analogy. so, a, act of terror, not 14,600 acts of terror, all right. >> jon: well. >> i'm just doing the math here. if they keep mounting up, maybe you do a little profiling, maybe. >> jon: so you're okay with profiling as long as-- >> once it gets over 14,000 acts of terror, i think we want to move in a little. >> jon: all right. so 14,000 is the limit. >> you leave the bulgarians exploon go into the middle east. >> jon: how many shootings are in this country? >> in this country? >> jon: yes. >> every year? i'm not sure, how many. >> jon: 30,000 between homicide and suicide. do you think we should start profiling? >> of who? dead people? >> jon: the people with the gun. it raised above yourñr 14,000 incident threshold is what i'm saying. >> how would you like to profile them? what group do you want to zero in on, on the gun crime.
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fox viewers. >> jon: is that too broad. >> no, i know. i have one question for you-- do we have time for one question. >> jon: we have time for many. >> did they fire you here? >> gl what! >> are you gone? >> jon: no, i'm leaving in a couple of weeks. i'm going to a mission. >> i heard you're going to direct some werewolf movie or something. >> jon: i've joined the mormon church. and-- it's required that you go away for 10 weeks. >> and you have to proselytize. >> jon: would you miss me? >> i would. i was shocked -- >> you have great affection for me. i did not get fired. >> where are you going? >> jon: i'm going to the middle east. >> to the middle east. and set up an exchange program with-- is that what you're going to do gr i'm setting up a charity. i'm sure it will be fine. it will be above board. >> but you're not going to be here. who will be here? >> jon: a young man named john oliver. a british gentleman. ( cheers and applause ). people love him. you should-- you should come in
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and check up on me. >> is he a muslim, oliver? you're bringing in a muslim guy. >> jon: that's right, i'm bring naig muslim. >> if you really were sincere, you would. >> jon: what? ! >> if you really cared about the muslim community, you'd bring in a substitute muslim host! ( cheers and applause ) let's call it for what it is! put up or shut up! stewart. ( laughter ) >> jon: you know, it hurts me to say this, but some of the e-mails that the department of justice is finding for fox news is probably between you and i. ( laughter ) >> i'd delete them right away. >> jon: and i just want to say that i did not know that that hanukkah card had pornographic images on it, and i apologize sincerely for besmirching your server. now what book are you coming out with next week? are we almost done with this already? >> there won't be another book
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for three months. >> jon: are you serious? three months? >> three months you'll have to wait. and then the my next book is -- >> what is the book in three months? >> how to get more muslim exchange students. >> jon: you don't care. he distribute care. "keep it pithy" is on the bookshelves now. look for it next to the 10 other ( bleep ) books he writes. ( cheers and applause ).
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> jon: that's the show. join us tomorrow night here at 11:00, your moment of zen. >> to go through this i would ask all of us to avoid talking about who is liked by president bush. who is liked by president obama. let's all be